The other day I looked at past photographs of my closest female friends in our early 20′s and those days seem like yesterday. Though as I look at today, things have changed dramatically in the past two to three years. Most of my friends are either married or about to be married. Everyone thought I would be the first to be hitched but their predictions were wrong. I do admit I am an addict of love and relationships but at this point, my focus has changed from focusing on relationships to focusing on what I should do with my life. I always based my decisions on my relationships instead of focusing on what would make me happy without being in a relationship. I used relationships to decipher what I was feeling, how I should live, and how to make another person happy.
When a relationship was severed, I felt the same. In the end, I lost myself in the relationship and didn’t know who I was and what made me happy. It was hard to look in the mirror for I felt like my world was shattered but this isn’t the case for I still had me. I was alone for most of my life, so why would a relationship change my core being? This brought me to the realization of, ‘how can I be in a relationship and expect someone to make me happy, when I didn’t really know how to make myself happy’. Not to say that I don’t know what makes me happy but what I am really trying to figure out is, ‘what makes me content? ‘
Being content means to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face.
Being content means feeling a sense of inspiration to do something productive with your day.
Being content means your heart burns with passion, a passion so hot another person gets burned with it – inspiring them.
Being content means waking up before the alarm for you are so excited about your day.
Being content means living in the moment and not wishing to be somewhere else.
Being content means appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have.
Being content means being/living your dream.
I yearn to be content.
I want to have passion, drive, and motivation. I want to find the fire that burns my fuel of life! It seems like a difficult task at hand but I know that it is within my arms reach. I figure, ‘how can one find what they are looking for if one isn’t ever lost?’ I admit I am feeling lost but I know I will find my way. For some days I get a glimpse of the life I want to live. I just need to get over some of the hurdles in my way. It seems that some of the hurdles are what I put in front of me, created out of my own fears and insecurities.
Things are more simple than they seem. Once you remove all the hurdles which are not really there, life is really simple. This is what I struggle with and try to wrap my head around. I realize this mentally but I gotta DO something about it if I want to be content.
I yearn to be content.
Until that day when I find what I want to do with my career – I will truly be ready to be in married. As of now, I need to build on my foundation for the relationships will be much stronger and more profound. I am not trying to be Miss Independent with the idea that ‘I don’t need a man’ logic, I just want to be a strong woman. When my man is down, I can be his rock. Right now I feel I can’t provide that at the moment and it is unfair to rely on another person when I have the ability to rely on myself. So it is time for me to build … be strong … and try to enjoy every minute of it (no matter how difficult life may seem).