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What is respect?

Posted on 19 May 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Lately (past 2 weeks) I’ve been dating and it seemed like the most ‘ideal’ single life I could imagine, until today. I have guys left to right, have something to do, somewhere to go, and was constantly moving. I partied every night except on Monday or Tuesday. Danced with random guys. Shook what my momma gave me. Drank myself to a blur. Now I just want to stop.

I have finally found my match but I am still running. I’m so used to being alone that being with someone scares me. The idea of falling and being broken … scares me. The uncertainty scares me. But getting into a relationship includes the possible outcome … and it scares me. But I have to learn to let go of my fears … for I can not live without knowing nor live with the ‘what if’s’ hanging over my head.

Though I have the title ‘single&dating’ hovering over me, I feel taken. My heart feels filled and no one else can fill it but HE. Yet I have questions … a lot of questions. I’m just too afraid to ask because the answers maybe alarming and my doubts will be reality … and this fantasy will be diminished … but he made me a promise … that being … he’ll respect me.

He’ll respect me.

But what does that mean? (sigh)

-Liza

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9 Comments For This Post

  1. kalanii Says:

    wow… reading this i can so relate to you. almost every word. questioning things in my mind, and wondering where to find the answers… hopefully you find them somewhere girl. xoxo btw added you, add me back?

  2. destinysmine Says:

    Thats a chance you have to take..I know it’s easier said then done, but don’t let those past situations affect you.

  3. lizamae Says:

    Added.

    The answers are probably already in front of me, but I just can’t see them. (sigh)

  4. lizamae Says:

    I’m trying to let go but … sometimes it can be hard.

  5. muszicluvher Says:

    i know all too well about hard letting go can be. but it has to be done. i completely understand wut u feel about not wanting to be in a relationship yet u did *find* someone that makes u feel so good. but the freedom of being single, at least for the time being, feels so good that u can’t tell witch euphoria u like more…arrrgh, lol. for instance, in the past few months and in particular the past few days/weeks (time runs together now….. it’s all a blur) i’ve been thinkin that i want to settle down. but i can’t do that in iraq or even in germany i don’t think so it’s like wut can i do. i’ve also been thinkin about makin that final settling down cuz it seems like there’s nothing in life left for me to do but that but i’ve been opposed to that insitution for a long time because i began to realize that it’s not even something most ppl want…..we’re taught that it’s what we just *do* once we get old enough….blah….peacenlove

  6. muszicluvher Says:

    hehe a better music selection would have been maxwell-embrya-maybe you….haha. only brought that up because it just so happens to be playin in winamp right now…funny coinkydink

  7. lizamae Says:

    “i began to realize that it’s not even something most ppl want…..we’re taught that it’s what we just *do* once we get old enough….blah”

    Yes … being raised in a household where your parents ideals are embedded in your head and the lifestyle where I was raised seems like my life should be similar. I live with both of my parents, little house, with my older brother, and the eldest brother got married and has his own home. So after I finish school, become successful in my carreer, it supposed to happen that I fall in love with a man, get married, and have kids. Is there any other way in which this fairy tale can be told?

    It depends on how you want to shape it, but what if you are content and happy with yourself, and life as it is, single with friends? I had a conversation with my married friend about this … and he wished that he had stayed single with kids … because he was at his happiest … alone.

    Hrmmm … at this time of my life. I would like to be with him, Ryan, but that doesn’t necessarily mean marriage, he completes my desires I try to find in ‘men’ … in one package.

    -Liza

  8. muszicluvher Says:

    yea i’m thinkin similar to ur friend. i dont’ have kids but i kinda do want them eventually but the idea of marriage just seems obscene to me..i dunno.
    ricky

  9. magickalovera Says:

    awww liza, you want to be with someone yet you fear of being broken, but if you want that feeling of love you have to risk the chance..thats basically what it has to be..added ya..and i seen ya on paxed!<

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