8:31:54 PM Liza Mae: as you know I have an addictive personality
8:31:57 PM Liza Mae::and you more so
8:31:57 PM Liza Mae: lol
8:32:20 PMLiza Mae: but i’m addicted to something bad
8:32:33 PMLiza Mae: it numbs my life
8:32:39 PMLiza Mae: so I don’t feel shit
8:32:44 PMLiza Mae: feel confused
8:32:45 PMLiza Mae: anxious
8:32:47 PMLiza Mae: lost
8:33:31 PM Liza Mae: but i gotta stop
8:33:36 PM Liza Mae: i need to go through the pain
8:33:41 PM Liza Mae: the struggles
8:33:57 PM Liza Mae: of life.
8:34:30 PM Liza Mae: for the only way through it is to go through it … not around it ..
8:34:34 PM Liza Mae: and ignore it
8:34:56 PM Liza Mae: i need to challenge myself to just get through this bumpy part of my life
8:35:05 PM Liza Mae: i need to stop ignoring the issues
8:35:44 PM Liza Mae: I need to stop second guessing myself
8:35:50 PM Liza Mae: I just need to do
8:36:03 PM Liza Mae: for there are dreamers who wish it will happen
8:36:09 PM Liza Mae: and there are doers who make those dreams happen
8:36:25 PM Liza Mae: I need to figure out what will bring me closer to God
8:37:43 PM J: is that a post ?
8:37:50 PM Liza Mae: no just wrote it now
8:38:07 PM J: wow, that’s good
8:39:13 PM Liza Mae: seriously though
8:39:21 PM Liza Mae: I gotta stop pretending
8:39:28 PM Liza Mae: that I am ok
8:39:31 PM Liza Mae: I am not okay
8:39:45 PM Liza Mae: and it is perfectly fine to NOT be okay
8:39:50 PM Liza Mae: for everyone struggles
8:39:56 PM Liza Mae: through pain
8:40:28 PM Liza Mae: everyone struggles with life
8:40:44 PM Liza Mae: we were born out of struggle
8:40:56 PM Liza Mae: when our mothers gave birth to us
8:41:33 PM Liza Mae: so why is life no different
8:41:38 PM J: yeah, everyone struggles with different things at different times
8:41:56 PM J: it’s all a struggle
Self Assessment of Life Struggles
In the last few months I’ve been trying to figure out the all-in-one answer to all of my pondering questions and problems of life but realize that there is no all-in-one answer. I’ve been struggling through many different issues and try to fix them all at once to make my life perfect, without struggle, without any problems but I’m starting to realize that life will always have problems but how will you over come it?
Some people, including myself, deal with it by numbing the reality with addictions whether it be drugs, alcohol, sex, or whatever self inflicting actions that will numb the hard times but this is not the route one should take, for obvious reasons. During these times you are trying to construct your life not destruct it, so start building. I keep telling myself that I just have to get through it, no matter how difficult it may be for one day everything will be okay and I can look back at this time of my life as another lesson learned.
My legal representative today asked me a very good question which made me question …
“Am I tough enough?”
This was prompted when I said I’m interested in being a paralegal so I learn about the laws on my own and protect myself as a landlord for the LTB & RTA (landlord tenant board and residential tenant act) is very skewed towards tenants.
This question made me ponder. if you know me I’m barely five foot, filipina, youngest & only female sibling, and more recently people call me ‘soft’. It is not that I choose to be but situations in my life has no reason for me to be ‘hard’. I was brought up with very protective parents and lifestyle which didn’t prod me to be ‘hard’. I fought two older brothers occasionally but since I was younger, I just followed what they said for they are 6 and 12 years older than I. I am one of the youngest cousins growing up and in the family I was very well disciplined and never was argumentative. Only in my recent years have I had to face battles, arguments, and stand tall to be heard. Especially being with an ex whom was damaged and argumentative, it put me in a corner and I had to argue back. I didn’t choose to be in this situation but was forced in to this role. No one likes drama or confrontation but some days you can not avoid it and you gotta fight back.
I realize I am learning to be harder! I don’t think people are born to be hard people but are put in to situations to BE hard, making them hard people. Take the example of someone who was brought up in a rough neighborhood vs. someone who was brought up in a posh neighbourhood, their level of hardness will be much different. I had this discussion with a friend of mine who is from Brooklyn and how different lifestyles we had growing up. You have to do what you have to do to survive the jungle out there and if you don’t want to be stepped on, you had to be tough.
I realize though that we all have different roles and purposes in life – some people are soft and some people are hard but everyone is different for situations shape you to be who you are.
I wasn’t built tough but in the last few years I have been through the most challenging times. I am finally being tested by God and I believe he doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Maybe everyone has to go through difficult times in different times of our lives and that time for me is NOW! It is something that I have to go through to finally grow up, and be a grown up.
To answer the question of “Am I tough enough?”
YES I AM!!
I am not broken. I am alive. I can still breath. Just with a little faith in the unknown and a really great support system of friends and family. I am surviving the tests of time and I am tougher than I ever have been. So bring it – pleasure or pain!
Tough situations won’t break us, it can only shape us!
I take a deep breath feeling the oxygen go in through my nostrils, filling my lungs, expanding my chest and stomach, deep in to my core, and I hold the air in for two seconds and exhale the toxins within, out from my nose.
I repeat this a couple more times until my beat of my heart slows down to a relaxing level.
I feel that I am standing on the boardwalk of a beach. A beach that feels familiar …
the smell of saltiness,
the wind is cool and fresh against my skin though the sun’s heat warms me,
the sand is white and clean,
the sky is clear and blue,
the sound of waves are crashing on the sand.
I am still looking to the path of the board walk where it is desolate. I suddenly see a figure in the distance, moving towards me.
I see a vision of him …
So I begin to run towards him feeling, hearing the whispers of the wind, my hair brush against my face erratically like a tree on a windy day. As I take a step I feel the wooden boards beneath me collapse just slightly, not enough to break but resist my step. I hear my steps thud faster and faster against each wooden board as I land, fracturing the wood slightly. Though my breath is still in the same relaxed slow pace as I was standing still.
I hear a deep voice caressing my ears … “Time to wake your body from rest … stretch … do what you do when you are waking up.”
The other day I looked at past photographs of my closest female friends in our early 20′s and those days seem like yesterday. Though as I look at today, things have changed dramatically in the past two to three years. Most of my friends are either married or about to be married. Everyone thought I would be the first to be hitched but their predictions were wrong. I do admit I am an addict of love and relationships but at this point, my focus has changed from focusing on relationships to focusing on what I should do with my life. I always based my decisions on my relationships instead of focusing on what would make me happy without being in a relationship. I used relationships to decipher what I was feeling, how I should live, and how to make another person happy.
When a relationship was severed, I felt the same. In the end, I lost myself in the relationship and didn’t know who I was and what made me happy. It was hard to look in the mirror for I felt like my world was shattered but this isn’t the case for I still had me. I was alone for most of my life, so why would a relationship change my core being? This brought me to the realization of, ‘how can I be in a relationship and expect someone to make me happy, when I didn’t really know how to make myself happy’. Not to say that I don’t know what makes me happy but what I am really trying to figure out is, ‘what makes me content? ‘
Being content means to wake up in the morning with a smile on your face. Being content means feeling a sense of inspiration to do something productive with your day. Being content means your heart burns with passion, a passion so hot another person gets burned with it – inspiring them. Being content means waking up before the alarm for you are so excited about your day. Being content means living in the moment and not wishing to be somewhere else. Being content means appreciating what you have instead of what you don’t have. Being content means being/living your dream.
I yearn to be content.
I want to have passion, drive, and motivation. I want to find the fire that burns my fuel of life! It seems like a difficult task at hand but I know that it is within my arms reach. I figure, ‘how can one find what they are looking for if one isn’t ever lost?’ I admit I am feeling lost but I know I will find my way. For some days I get a glimpse of the life I want to live. I just need to get over some of the hurdles in my way. It seems that some of the hurdles are what I put in front of me, created out of my own fears and insecurities.
Things are more simple than they seem. Once you remove all the hurdles which are not really there, life is really simple. This is what I struggle with and try to wrap my head around. I realize this mentally but I gotta DO something about it if I want to be content.
I yearn to be content.
Until that day when I find what I want to do with my career – I will truly be ready to be in married. As of now, I need to build on my foundation for the relationships will be much stronger and more profound. I am not trying to be Miss Independent with the idea that ‘I don’t need a man’ logic, I just want to be a strong woman. When my man is down, I can be his rock. Right now I feel I can’t provide that at the moment and it is unfair to rely on another person when I have the ability to rely on myself. So it is time for me to build … be strong … and try to enjoy every minute of it (no matter how difficult life may seem).
The cold has arrived and one of my favorite accessories is a scarf and found different ways to tie a scarf. I have way too many in my collection for it depends my mood, how warm I want to be, or what outfit I am wearing. What I love about scarfs is that it can totally change your outfit for the fabrics and colours can make your outfit casual or more formal. I found a really cool video that will teach you how to tie a scarf in 25 ways, some of which are self explanatory or more complicated. I like the music, model (Wendy), and the overall direction of the video.
How to Tie a Scarf in 25 Ways
Anyways hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. You can get a more detailed ‘how-to’ by going to the video at 4:36 and clicking on the actual scarf look you desire.
Winter is not my favorite season but might as well look hot in the cold.
All I have are pixels of pictures from the past
Tracing back to that very last track
we danced to in our apartment.
As we looked at each other,
our eyes shined from the love that we shared
but then when darkness fell
we were both not prepared.
As distance had seemed to keep us separate
I became cold to the point that I cracked,
My heart froze and seemed that there was no turning back.
I once had faith but I started to slack
and had gone astray on to another path.
Until that day
Until that day
you said you were leaving,
I was in shock and
my heart started beating
out of my chest.
I couldn’t breathe
and it felt like death.
Though it wasn’t the death of me
for these feeling brought back
heat to my cold heart.
Circulating the blood in my veins.
The feelings we had
was hidden in our pain,
love was lost, and I was going insane.
Now I want to be a part
not apart from you.
because simply
I love you.
These words by Holstee Manifesto are what I live by and stand up for, though some days are challenging, never stop trying to live the life you want to live.
Lately life has been a big blur of heart felt moments both good and bad and I never felt so alive but lost at the same time. It seems I go through this cycle that goes from knowing who I am and what I am doing with my life to not knowing who I am and not knowing what I am doing. I guess when life is good, things are seen in a positive light but when I am put through difficult situations, I begin to question my life. The life challenges really test my faith and really knock me down and make me feel insecure about my being but when all obstacles are put behind me and I have jumped that hurdle I begin to believe again. I know life is a test and God doesn’t give us more than we can handle for He wants us to succeed. I try to keep my head up in these difficult times for what am I left to do? I can not sit in my sorrows for life is too short. I gotta stand up for myself, my life, and make the best of it. Though my ego wants me to believe that this is the hardest thing I have to face in the moment, I know life has many more challenges on the way. I know this is just a building block to make me stronger for things to come in my life. After all I am only dealing with Liza Mae and I don’t have to deal with a husband, kids, and in-laws. I can only fathom how many challenges life will have when my decisions directly effect those people. But for now I gotta stand up and appreciate the life that I have in front of me and the challenges life throws my way.
Motivational & Inspirational Playlist
I have compiled some of my current favorite motivational and inspirational songs that lift my spirits when life’s got me down.
“Success is my idol and being broke is my rival” – Big Sean
“So in all the bad and the good will soon come
Don’t think second best
Be number one
Spread some love
Don’t give to receive
Strive to be happy
And live to believe”
- Jessie J
In my previous review about Instagram for Beginners I discussed the basic info about Instagram and my likes and dislikes. Since then Instagram has launched a new update which has taken on a new look which I will review and also show you how to get more likes, comments, and followers.
Instagram Updates – Summary of Features
Preset borders with filters are now optional – Though this is an improvement from the previous version, you still can’t use any border with a filter.
3 new filters added – Amaro, Valencia, & Hudson
2 filters removed - Gothem & Apollo, good choice for those are filters that were specific and personally I didn’t use often. I’m glad Instagram developers are paying attention.
Editing screen is all in one – There is no need to jump from the tilt-shift screen then back to the filter screen. It can all be done in one shot.
Instagram Tips & Tricks – Get more Instagram Followers
Get noticed, use hash tags # - If you are a Tumblr or Twitter user, you can post tags by inserting hash tags like #iphoneography #photo, etc. Hash tags that you previously used will appear.
The only thing I don’t like about this feature on tumblr is that it adds the hash tag it to the description. I wish instagram removed the hash tags in tumblr.
Get personal and reply to your comments - If you want to respond personally to comments on your instagram feed, write @username, just like Twitter. When you put @, instagram propagates your contact list, making it easy to search for the person you are replying to. Instagram is NOT like facebook where it will send you a notification if someone commented on a photo.
Take picture with the Camera app – The problem with taking pictures with instagram is that the maximum resolution it saves images is 612×612 pixels. If you want to do more with the photos, like print, edit, create a desktop image, resolution will get lost. I usually use Camera+ to take all my photos.
Use the filters, borders, or tilt shift to take pictures - If you are taking the photo with instagram, there is an option on Instagram to take the picture with filters, borders, and tilt shift and what’s good about it is that it isn’t permanent. That’s right, you can change the filters even though you used a certain filter to take the photo.
I have grown to love my iPhone camera for it takes random moments like this picture of birds taking a bath in a puddle. Also, since I’ve been car-less, my walks allow me to appreciate little moments such as these for the world is at a slower pace. I encourage you to walk for it is good exercise and you start to notice things around you instead of letting the moment pass you by.
I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.
