stomach turns with the thoughts of you it is like I’ve traveled on a jet plane that has gone through turbulence not that it is a bad thing because sometimes we need to be scared sometimes we need to live in fear for it reminds us how alive we are.
I just want to stand on the edge of a cliff and scream on top of my lungs let it all out lose control for I feel trapped in my own skin yell out to the rest of the world so I can be heard and I can finally be freed from the oppression of this life.
This life which I have created this life I have destroyed this life of sorrow and joy. I just want to … be. Happy.
I have embraced this life held it in the palms of my hands and let it get out of control more than I wanted but who am I to dictate which way water flows?
I am just laying on my raft staring into the sky which surrounds me and appreciating every cloud hovering above with my hands interlaced behind my head just smiling with the thoughts of us back on the same wave of existence.
So I have gone through this test and it simply put things into perspective. I have so much unresolved emotions and I can not deal with separation. I have a difficult time being … alone. This is the longest I’ve been alone that it puts me in such sadness. I once was content but I feel like everything is just crashing down. I have so many things to be happy about yet the absence of body really makes me down. I am affectionate and the lack thereof is making me feel weak. I need him to be in my life for I can not live without him. Well I can but it just isn’t the same. I want to fall into his arms and his warm kisses. I do miss his presence in entirety but he will be home soon, I keep telling myself. A few more weeks to go… – Liza Mae
I was browsing through the card aisle while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled and came across the ‘Thinking of You’ section. This was the inspiration of my post.
I miss you …
(a thousand thoughts just fluttered my mind but I will try to be organized)
I miss you when I am alone in bed and remembering you close to me.
I miss you when I have funny stories to tell but you’d be the only one to understand my our humor.
I miss when you’d kiss my forehead when I would cry.
I miss your scent all over me.
I miss admiring how you eat every morsel, crumb, sauce, leaving the plate spotless.
I miss your daily voice of motivation.
I miss dialing your 10-digit number, instead I am left dialing 50-digits to talk. If I get one number wrong, I’d almost have to start over. (damn phone cards)
I miss the way you think.
I miss seeing the gap in between your teeth
I miss laughing daily together.
I miss you being in the same time zone. When I sleep you are awake and when I am awake you are asleep.
I miss seeing your face everyday.
I miss kissing those lips.
I miss touching the smoothness of your bald head.
I miss watching you shave that bald head every morning.
I miss laying my hand on your chest and head on your shoulder while we rest.
I miss our morning runs through the neighborhood.
I miss Friday night out.
I miss making Saturday morning breakfasts with peameal bacon, over-easy eggs, paratha bread or french toast.
I miss cooking for us … period. I don’t really cook that I am home. No motivation.
I miss the comfortable silence.
I miss the warmth.
I miss streaming moving nights.
I miss you doing my laundry on Sundays.
I miss staring in to those brown eyes.
I miss hearing about Mexico.
I miss sharing my secrets.
I miss your guiding light to see me through the day.
I miss you when I am driving alone at night.
I miss you when I am in bed.
I miss your crazy driving.
I miss hearing your contagious laughter.
I miss your good will heart towards people.
I miss seeing you when you get excited.
I know that everyday that passes, is another day closer to you but for now, all I can do is miss you.
So it has been a little over a month since my bf has left for China and I thought it would be easier than it is. It isn’t quite what it seems in theory compared to in reality. I realized that he brings me happiness in so many levels, emotional, physical, and spiritual. He is emotionally and spiritually here but the physical heightens those feelings. I used to look forward to seeing him after work each day, especially on Fridays. Days are just mediocre and that is just not enough. I want to smile when I wake up and just be delighted with life. Unfortunately, I have gone astray and I’m back at my mundane state. I am far from content because it feels a part of me is displaced, temporarily. Anyways, time to read my daily horoscope:
Friday, Oct 16th, 2009 – Although your life seems to get busier now that Mars is in your 3rd House of Immediate Environment, you’ll probably float through the day without being overly concerned. You are a person on a mission today and very little can come between you and your goals, but your sense of balance may be a little off. For the best results continue on your current path with as little change as possible.
+++
I am quite the busy body these days. Juggling a new house, my bf’s basement renovations, work, and LuxaVision. I have not been consistent with my alone time and I need more of that. I include my fitness time as alone time for I focus on only me. I am going to do that after work today because I deserve it.
I need to focus on my goals and need not worry about the details. I just need to become one with my chaos.
As a child I looked upon my parents and thought, that is how my ideal life should be. Every morning my parents would wake up and get my older brother, Ritchie and I ready for school. They would get ready for work, then my brother and I would walk to school. We usually get home before them and then they’d come home from work. That was the life of working your 8 hour shift then coming home to the wife/husband and kids. It was simple, straight forward, and ordinary. That is what life supposed to be.
Now that I’ve grown in to my own person, I realize this structure just doesn’t resonate with who I am. I have followed this path thus far and I am just not content nor am I happy.
My story is such, after high school, I went to university, got my degree, landed my ideal job. It seems all fine and dandy right? But it just doesn’t feel right and makes my stomach turn with doubt. The first year of work was great because it was fresh and new. Anything fresh and new is exciting but as a Gemini or specifically, Liza Mae, I tend to lose interest quite quickly. That is the reason I need to be with someone who is always on the go and can keep up with my constant need for excitement and spontaneity. That is why J and I get along so well. Back to my point, I just feel that this normal structured life was not designed for me. I know there is more out there than the typical 9 to 5 lifestyle where you commit yourself to daily dread and suffering. Lol, yes that was a little melodramatic but I think you get my point.
Besides the job, you get married, buy a house, produce 3 children. If you are fortunate enough, you may take a couple of weeks vacation once a year to somewhere with sun and sand. When you come back, you are wishing you were back on vacation because your stay was just a tease to the ideal lifestyle.
This is the life I do not want to live. This is also known as the ‘rat race’. I am living it day to day, it is not horrible, but it is not fabulous.
I want more. I want freedom to do what I truly want and live fabulously. I see it in my future and with enough faith, WE will make it happen.
I stand here today appearing tall and strong, but I have thoughts of tomorrow which are eating my insides for the long distance relationship is too much to bear. It is like I am outside of myself and I can’t seem to climb back into my shell. I know that my ego gets my emotions out of whack but I just can not fight it, instead I surrender to it, because that is what I know to do. I am not much of a fighter especially when I know I am defeated. So I hang my head high with defeat and accept the reality … that he is leaving on a jet plane tomorrow to live/work half way across the world … only temporarily.
Who would of thought this would happen one month ago? Things can change in a blink of an eye. It is not his decision, or my decision, but we made this decision together. I am happy that he will experience new things in a foreign land and that he took an opportunity of a life time. I am sad though that we will be separated for a moments time. Though who is not to say I will not be experiencing new things here? That’s a positive spin on things, FTW!
I don’t know when we will be together again but I hope it will be sooner than later. I do know that we will see each other by the end of December, the ultimate latest.
// Written on September 9, 2009
Continued thought …
Some advice I found online to make long distance relationships (LDR) work. Some maybe common sense but still the most effective.
How to make long distance relationships work?
1. Explore Various Lines of Communication when you are in a long distance relationship:
My list communication channels:
E-mail
Twitter
Phone
Skype
Yahoo Messenger
Text Messaging
Regular Mail
Blog
I think I have enough sources to reach him or vice versa.
What is the purpose of a wedding ring? Why do we wear it on the left hand on the 4th finger, also known as the ring finger?
“In some countries, the wedding ring is worn on the left hand. This choice of finger relates to traditions purportedly dating to classical times, from an early usage reportedly referring to the fourth finger of the left hand as containing the vena amoris or “vein of love”[5]. At least in part due to this tradition, it became the norm to wear the wedding ring on this finger. By wearing rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, a married couple symbolically declares their eternal love for each other. This has now become a matter of tradition and etiquette in these countries. However, the most widely accepted explanation is that because the majority of people are right-handed, wearing the ring on the left hand makes it less likely to be damaged or lost during everyday activities.” - Wikipedia
Finally, a weekend of heat and sun. It finally feels like summer.
Saturday:
This is usually our rest day in terms of exercise but he convinced me that we will have a light jog around the neighborhood parks and trails. It was 9:30am and the temperature was already sizzling but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed the company of him while taking in the sights and sounds of the city. It didn’t really feel like the city because the trail ran by the Don river and we were surrounded with trees and bushes. Also, I find people are friendlier on the trails – smiles, a wave, a simple “Hello”. Simple gestures which you do not often see in the city where people look down or high and no one acknowledges your presence. An hour later we arrived home. I swear it was the longest run (est. 10K) of my 20-something life but it I enjoyed it.
After the run we had our breakfast and I crashed to bed. I was refreshed to head to the beach to play some beach volleyball. We arrived around 4pm but it was perfect since the sun was past its peak and the sand was not blistering hot. Our favorite thing to do during the summer is to go to the beach because you can catch some rays, socialize, and be active. We have met many people on the way which now I call friends. I think I spend more time with them than my old-time friends due to the fact that we share volleyball in common. After, we had dinner with a couple of vball friends and it was good times.
Night ended late with some pillow talk. I love the random conversations that we have, it brings us closer and he always seems to know how to make me laugh.
Sunday:
Another beach volleyball day with some good old BBQ. The sand was blistering hot though which dampened my spirits to play. When you are thinking about pain, it deters you from playing. The day was relaxed and I am darker than ever.
Gotta love the summer! I wish that I didn’t have to work today because I would definitely be back at the beach. We spend too much time indoor when it was meant for us to be outdoors. I’m not sure if this 9-5 life is structured for my ideal lifestyle. I possibly need a job working outdoors in the summer time. =)
The clouds emerged in the sky on a Saturday evening and the air was slightly cool. My boyfriend and I walked to the Starbucks on the Danforth to sip on one of our favorite hot liquid drinks, Caramel Macchiato. It was too cool and gloomy to sit in the patio so we sat in the store front gazing out at people and cars pass. The warmth of the concoctions soothed away my previously melancholy state.
Suddenly, the trees started to sway quickly because the wind started to pick up, the sky started to darken, and people outside started to scatter in a hurry.
I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.
