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Tags: love, relationship

…shattered pieces…

Posted on 28 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

Yesterday after Natalie’s BBQ he sat in my car trying to figure me out.

Why was I so upset?
Why am I not happy?
Is it something that he did to cause me to be like this? Possibly.

I do not know why I struggled to tell him but I said somethings that bothered me. He tried to defend his position. Why do I have to fight him to make him listen? Why is always in defense? I am not trying to attack. I am just telling him what’s up.

In the middle of the conversation the phone rings. It was a female, crying for some attention at 1:40 a.m. begging for him to come over to give her some loving, but he tried to push her aside to one of his male friends but she wasn’t calling for another’s attention. She was calling for him to soothe her, to crush her guts in an attempt to slaughter all the tension she had in her life. So I reacted with such uncertainty. I rarely scream in anger but I did, I told him to get out of my car, twice. He looked at me in shock and he froze in disbelief. I never showed such emotions. He got up and walked to his car. I broke into a million pieces and felt my blood pressure rise. I lost my breath and my throat became heavy. My face was filled with tears that they were pouring from my hands to the car seat. Then the anxiet hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was losing myself, I felt like I was losing him, I felt like I lost faith.

Then his friend staggered to my car attempting to understand what happened but I could not speak because my tears were speaking for me. I was broken. G then came into my car and told me that the female calling was a friend that was confiding in him through her difficult times of marriage. That she was seeking for attention and that he would never cross me. He told me that things are not what they seem and he can not control what others say to him. He believed that I did not believe in his love for me. That I doubt him and this relationship. When all this time I thought believed in love, I was really a non-believer. When I thought he didn’t understand me, he knew me inside out. He told me things I have never heard roll out from his tongue. He opened up to me. I did not speak the whole time but I nodded. I was still recovering from my attack. He held me. I was no longer lost. I felt a sense of love that I never felt before.

Today is a brand new day — its time to make moves.

-Liza Mae V.

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Tags: life

… stress …

Posted on 23 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

So school is over and I am not supposed to be stressed out but I am. Whenever I get stressed the right side of my lower back begins to tighten and knot up then distributes upto my shoulder. I suddenly get an increased heart beat and I feel like I am going to burst. I hate this feeling.

What caused this senation?

Well I’ve been doing alot of thinking and not alot of doing when it comes to my job search and everyone is on me about making money, making money, and making money. My mother is pushing me to get a job and I feel like I am being rushed. I can’t sit here and appreciate my accomplishments in peace because I live with her. I am rather annoyed at the thought and the more she pushes, the more I rebel. I am tired of being treated like a child. This house is not my home.

Sometimes my motivation is lacking because I do not see a clear future. I am lost in my own space, I am reaching a point in my life where things are not certain and the road can take its turn for the best or the worst. I call it the “quarter-life” crisis. My goal was to graduate – DONE! Now what? I am supposed to get my career started right? I feel as though there is something in between that supposed to happen and I am just waiting for that day to come. I try to stand still but forces are pushing me to where I need to be — free.

Sounds like I need to go on vacation or something. That is my solution to everything but it is anti-productive since I just pause where I am in Toronto, then when the vacation ends, life plays again. I need to change my habits. I am an addict to new people and experiences.

-Liza Mae V.

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Tags: cruises, Travel

Posted on 23 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

I know this is a delayed entry and my tan is now fading but I was inspired by Joseph to write something about my NCL experience.

Hated
1. The DJ in the one and ONLY club played the same set night after night.
2. You can only spend a few hours at a stop over not fully grasping the travelling experience (ex. meeting locals, trying new foods, etc.)
3. Motion sickness
4. Not much partying since its all couples or family.
5. Majority of Filipino workers, I felt like my cousins were serving me. lol.
6. Waiting in line for formal dinners.
7. Drinking water tasted funny.
8. Gaining weight from eating so much.
9. Alcohol wasn’t free.
10. The stir-fry line was 20 minutes long.

Loved
1. Food was available 24h/day.
2. The sunsets.
3. Being pampered.
4. Relaxing under the sun.
5. Sea Breeze.
6. Comedy Shows.
7. Chocolate Buffet.
8. Jacuzzi.
9. Smiling babies.
10. Getting Drunk.

-Liza Mae

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Tags: Travel, vacation

..crusing it..

Posted on 28 April 2006 by Liza Mae V.

I’m finally done school unless I failed something. I hope not. Now I have to enter this working world and I am having mixed feelings of excitement and I am afraid of the unknown but I suppose it is a part of life we all gotta go through. Until I found that career related job, I am just going to be relaxing and I am going to start by going on vacation. I am leaving from Buffalo tonight and I’ll be in New York City before midnight. Then I go on my 7 day cruise starting Sunday afternoon. Here is my itinerary:

Day	Port	Arrive	Depart
Sun.	New York, New York	– -	4:00pm
Mon.	At sea	– -	– -
Tue.	Orlando (Port Canaveral), Florida	9:00am	8:00pm
Wed.	Miami, Florida	9:00am	6:00pm
Thur.	Great Stirrup Cay, Bahamas	8:00am	6:00pm
Fri.	Nassau, Bahamas	7:00am	1:00pm
Sat.	At sea	– -	– -
Sun.	New York, New York	10:00am*	– -

Then I will be flying bak on Monday morning.

I am excited yet I am sad that I am leaving him again. I wish that he joined me on my adventures but he has goals to get his own condo and trips are not in his agenda right now. blar. Anyways, if you are in my planned destinations and want to share a moment or two, feel free to contact me.

-Liza Mae

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Tags: new york, toronto

New York vs. Toronto

Posted on 25 April 2006 by Liza Mae V.

NEW YORK

I’m tired of defending New York. So after this trip I think I have to say good-bye for awhile until the dust settles between our celestial bodies. I constantly try to push the idea of New York but is it worth fighting for? I love the city for many reasons and those who know me would know why. I have just built this bond with the city and the people(friends) within it that they are the reasons why I come back. Maybe if my friends moved to Toronto, then I would think differently but that is a far-fetched idea.

I just love the shopping,
the bright lights,
the late nights,
the music,
the smell of the trains,
the summer rain,
the alcohol sold at the corner store,
the hard core accent of the guy next door,
the chinese woman selling fake gucci at the corner of Canal St. and Broadway.

I miss the feeling of being touched
while being brushed on the busy sidewalk
during rush hour,
or sitting on a patio watching
passer-by’s scurry
like they are trying to beat time
with a hurry
but where are they really rushing to?

TORONTO

Don’t get me wrong, Toronto ain’t a lame-ol-city. I love it as well but obviously it is not as face paced as NYC, which has its pro’s and con’s. In this city, you can find best of both worlds: non-chaotic or chaotic. If you want to find excitement, you can do so but its not a walk next door, you have to live in the city. But the thing is, the party ends at 2a.m. when there is no more ‘legal’ alcohol served and its only the druggies or wasted drunks on the dance floor. So the party ends early and you can’t buy alcohol at the corner store because the LCBO is closed and that’s the only place you can find liqour. So the only thing open is the 24h Chinese restaurant on Spadina where you’ll meet everyone who has no where else to refuge after a club night but at RolSan’s! I love the chinese food in Toronto much better though, its not as fatty and a lot more tasty. The only thing that is holding me back from my previous 5 year plan is because HE is in my life. I decided that he is more important to me than the experience of the BIG city. I’m holding on to the memories, I’m holding on to my single life. I am not used to thinking for ‘us’. I’m sorry! Forgive me for I am trying.

-Liza Mae

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Tags: interracial relationships, love, relationship

..words of hate..

Posted on 20 April 2006 by Liza Mae V.

Yesterday I had the first confrontation with someone else other than my parents regarding my relationship with G, or more specifically a ‘black’ man. He parked infront of my house to pick up his card key for his house and to talk for a bit. So my aunt literally lives across the street and she happened to pick up some stuff from my house. So when I finished talking to G, I encountered the most disgusting put-down I have ever had to face in my entire 22 years. The words that spat from her mouth were not totally shocking but they were words of hate. I tried to keep my composure but I had to respond back with “Be quiet”, in less nicer words, if you know what I mean.

I know it is/was an issue with my parents but I’ve been going out with men that are totally not in my racial background and my parents learned to cope with it because they realize that they can’t really STOP what I am doing and that I am old enough to make decisions. Not that I don’t care about my parent’s views but in the end of the day my happiness is what I have to optimize. It seems that whatever you do, you can’t please everybody. Therefore,do what you feel is right despite what everyone thinks. No one should get in your way of happiness.

See you on the other side.

-Liza Mae

P.S. One more week of school left.
P.S.S Then I go to NYC then on a cruise.

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Tags: love, relationship

words of confusion

Posted on 18 April 2006 by Liza Mae V.

So he did not pick up the phone … I was concerned, angry, confused, etc. Let me just get to the point. I fcuking hate when people, especially significant others, making statements such as .. “I am with ‘my friend’” … WTF … You are begging for attention. Who the fuck says that unless you are hiding the person you are with or you think I am going to be upset with you. I am more upset that you feel the need to hide it from me, this ‘friend’. I never fail to mention my friends name so that you can be familiar with it, and when the names comes up again, you will have a “a-ha” moment where you remember who I am talking about. On top of that, getting mad that my friends are not in the same area code, has no founding in the argument. Atleast, I attempt to introduce them to you when they are in town … and what do you do, refuse to come out with us. What more can I ask? Don’t complain to me that they aren’t in the same area code, when I give you an opportunity to meet them in person. Also, Yes most of your friends are in Toronto, but have I ever met them? Have I ever been introduced? Answer me that. I am tired of fighting, I am tired of crying … step up to the plate and stop this BS.

That aside .. I need to focus and this took up more time than it should.

Peace.

-Liza Mae

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Weekend

Posted on 10 April 2006 by Liza Mae V.

Friday … I went to a Nostolgia party (1990′s music) and it is not what I remember it to be. Maybe it’s just the whole club thing. I am not the youngest in the club anymore and that is terrifying .. lol. No its not that serious but I have been clubbing for 5 years (4 years legally) and it seems as though I am growing out of it. I love to dance but I can’t do it like I used to — I used to go out 3-4x a week. Now I can’t even go out one night without feeling exhausted. blar.

Saturday … I went to work and I was so tired and estrogen levels were increased therefore I snapped on everyone. Everyone and their momma’s pissed me off .. sorry if you had to experience my wrath. Later on, G & I went to watch Inside Man, it was alright. It kept me up considering I was still tired from the night before. After the movies we hooked up with Grace and Sunil at Fox & the Fiddle to throw down some drinks. It was a great night.

Sunday … I watched an Aikido Demonstration at my school. It was entertaining watching people get thrown in all directions. lol. Then I spent the rest of the day with G. Then I grabbed some Vietnamese food with Devon.

Overall the weekend was very relaxing w/ my mood swings here and there.

-Liza Mae

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Tags: love, relationship

The Count Down Begins …

Posted on 28 March 2006 by Liza Mae V.

I find it so terrifying that my days of University are almost over yet it seems like so far away since I have so much to accomplish before then. I am so swamped with work that it is all I think of. Until next Friday! Then of course, exams start, but that hasn’t been overwhelming me yet because I am taking one task at a time. *sigh*

Tomorrow I have a presentation and I get nervous when I have to do presentations. Ahhhh. Hopefully my partner will speak more than I because I hate speaking in front of everyone. He seems to love to speak infront of people, so most likely he will speak more. lol.

I miss him. I finally reached a point of stillness within myself with him. I have never reached this point in my life where I am confused about anything and everything is in its place. I feel so refreshed and when days are rough, he gives me a breath of fresh air. Though sometimes he takes my breath away. It amazes me how men or maybe just him, can turn their emotions with a flick of a switch. He could be the most affectionate person one minute, and be totally focused on his work or music, another minute. Woman’s transitions are much slower. After sex we need to cuddle … men just want to pass out. lol. I can’t speak for all sexes but that is what Martina and I spoke of the other day. Everyday I do not see him, my days do not feel complete, but that’s life. Schedules are conflicting, deadlines have to be met, priorities have to be considered, and there is always tomorrow.

Somedays are more heart wrenching than others because the need for physical touch of our lover is lacking, the affection, the scent of their natural essence, just the feel of their positive aura surrounding us with love.

I miss the feeling.

Some nights I crawl in a ball in my bed, holding my pillow wishing it was replaced with him. Solid as a rock, but he has this warmth that heats up my soul. He’s the reason for my being.

Ever wake up and think what’s the point of all this life that I am living? I found that meaning. To love him and be loved by him. To learn to adapt to each others weaknesses and build each other to become better people.

This has been the most stable I’ve been in my life. It is better than the ‘honey moon’ stage or first few months of a relationship because there is no more guessing,
‘How does he feel about me?’
‘How do i feel about him?’
‘Is this feeling real or surreal?’
etc.
Everything is clear, though somedays are cloudy. Most of the time the sunshines through our disagreements and we find our way through it. I realized how important communication between us is the medium that brings us back to the middle. My emotions aren’t so confusing, jumping from one extreme to the next (ex. Happy to Sad, vice versa). My emotions aren’t controlled but they reach this equilibrium state after the extremes are reached.

Just to think I was questioning EVERYTHING about him, me, and us, a few months ago. Now I feel as though I acquired most of the answers along the way. Picking up the pieces, one by one, getting closer to this point of wisdom and knowledge.

-Liza Mae V.

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