Archive | June, 2004

Actions speak louder then words. So does Silence.

Posted on 30 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Sparked by a quote on Jessica’s LJ …

“Actions speak louder then words. So does Silence.”

I have been silent for the couple of days, weeks even. I am just listening to the actions not the words because words mean nothing to me. Words have been stabbing me in the back leaving freshly cut wounds. The intent of the words are to make me feel ‘happy’ yet they hurt. They hurt because I believed them, they hurt because they are lies, they hurt because I did not watch my back. Now I stand here bleeding, a tear forms in my eye while I try to fight it, while I clench my teeth trying to fight the pain because in the end it will be much easier. I grab a bottle of alcohol and hold it over my shoulder. My hands start to shake, and a drop of alcohol hits my wounds, I scream. I turn my head away from the bottle and let it pour and a single tear falls from my eye. This time I don’t scream, I like the pain. I am a masochist for I know this is the catalyst to my healing. I let it burn. The words are burned but the pain not forgotten. I’ve got the scars to remind me.

– Liza Mae

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You’ve got a new message.

Posted on 20 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

This started as an email to Martina.

Anyways, as we speak I am not in a compromising position. Ryan O. hasn’t contacted me in 2 weeks and I don’t feel really good about that. I am not holding anything against him because I don’t have the right to. I don’t know if its me or if its some other reason which I can’t come close to explain. All I can do is hope that he will come running back to me. I’m finding that I am trying to fill his space for the moment. I have been trying to go out with other guys to distract myself from thinking of him. Stefan #2 has been trying to hook up with me for 2 weeks but we were in disagreement with what we were going to do, so yesterday he basically said, “We aren’t seeing eye-to-eye, so with this fact I’m going to say goodbye, nice knowing you”. I was saddened by the fact that my ‘distraction’ was taken away and I had to see eye-to-eye the reality that I was alone.

OMFG. I just received a message from him stating,

“Hey Shortie had to leave town on fam emer will be in today will call later”.

When I heard my phone indicate that I had a new message. I knew that it was him. I hoped that it was him. And it was. I’m crying. Feeling the back of my throat swell because I missed him. Confused. Emotions protrude. Feeling loved, hated, and relieved.

– Liza Mae

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Japanese Name

Posted on 15 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

My japanese name is 清水 Shimizu (clear water) 久美子 Kumiko (eternal beautiful child).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey‘s Name Generator Generator.

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Please find me.

Posted on 15 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

It seems that everything that I percieve to be perfect eventually becomes so imperfect that I displace what I thought I felt into the category of the unknown. I do not know if HE or I deluded me to believe something that wasn’t there.

I am in this state because HE didn’t call me for a week and I am starting to be worried, confused, and upset. I have this eerie feeling that I could be his mistress or something along the lines causing me to be Miss Stressed. The signs are clear to me but I just did not want to believe them. I was in denial but I did not know that it would impact me to this degree. I am left sitting here wondering why HE disappeared. It’s weird having someone just disappear. I have no idea what has happened or what is happening. It seems like my emotions are idle until I find him. Lost in communication. Lost in love. Lost in life. Please find me.

I feel like deleting his existance but it is imprinted on my facial expressions. The only thing I can delete about him is his phone number but what’s the point when I have memorized it. I am trying to start where I ended before I met him, but its difficult because I don’t have that closure that I truly desire. I have been on this streak of closing doors that this 1 left open has me moving in slow-mo. I don’t understand why these things happen to me. It feels like I have been hit by candy coated bad luck. But my life goes on with or without him because I still have hope. Hope in love. Hope in life.

– Liza
Countdown begins … 15 days till I’ll be in NYC.

Comments (4)

Rant of the Day

Posted on 09 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Lately I’ve been mentally debating my fate, where will it lead me and how far I will go. I wish right now I could know but I don’t, so all I can do is hope. Drop on my knees and pray to God that I’ll cope and not trip on this rope that you planted so sneakily when I was sleeping next to you or was that your representative? I just don’t know for it smelled like you … felt like you … and definitely looked like you.

Hrmmm … That’s where I think I went wrong for this perception that you will not lead me to deception actually decieved me to believe that you would not do me wrong, but boy was I wrong. I was so wrong that I had to do the right thing. Let go of the yesterdays emotions of you, for todays signs of … not hearing … not recieving … any phone calls has me thinking that the day before yesterday was just a moment of intimacy leaving me to believe you were in to me but in actuallity you were into my … but I’ll leave that alone. For I will not deny that I enjoyed it myself for it felt passionate, an emotion not prone to being consoled. So I hold this emotion against me for my body was calling for this kind of affection but my mind was telling me no. So this is where this debate started, from the heart to the body to the mind. Now I’m in sorts of trouble with my kind. Proclaiming love is situated in the heart, but sex is on the mind, where the body confuses the two, love and sex. Their intereaction are like proton and electron, constantly repelling the forces until that one in a million chance that they will attract. It’s so sad that through all the relationships only one will become the one? But who says there should only be one? Maybe we bump into a bunch of ones until the right one, so were the others wrong? I doubt it. I think we meet the wrongs for the right reasons, to find Mr. Right, whoever that is. But let me go back to what I was contemplating, should I continually play this game you are playing or start a new one? I think I should cut my losses and continue on … for there is a limitless amount of love that I can to give … so why not give it to the ones who truly deserve it?

– Liza Mae
My scattered thoughts will eventually lead me to combine the pieces together, but right now my mind is trying to replay every single event until it finds the right answer to my questions.

Comments (7)

Protected: Selfish Tendencies

Posted on 04 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

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Ginu-Fine

Ginu-Fine

Posted on 03 June 2004 by Liza Mae V.

.down.

I was supposed to see Ryan O. but things didn’t work out with our timing. It seems that our timing lately (2 weeks) have been quite off. Hrmmm … I haven’t seen him for two weeks and it seems like an eternity. I miss him and he doesn’t know how much I care for him. I think that is one of my problems, I easily get attached to people. I’m not quite sure why but I guess one possible reason could be that I see the good in all man kind. That sounded so corny but it’s true. Blar. Hopefully I’ll see him tomorrow. (sigh)

.up.

So it is supposed to be a night of repetition from last week but I get a phone call from Roxanne stating that she is giving me 4 tickets to this Ginuwine concert. So obviously I am not going to give up free tickets and go for it. I wasn’t really psyched to go but after I gathered 3 other girls we were looking good to go.

We arrived and it was really crowded and being short really sucked but with the aid of Crystals pushiness we made it near the front. I didn’t have a crush on him till today. I actually bought his first album but someone stole it. Now I have to get all his albums and play them religiously until I am all Ginuwined out. lol. He had a good performance … I remember him stating …

“If your girl says ‘eat her out’ .. you say, ‘I’ll eat you’ …”

and the crowd goes wild … lol .. that shit was hilarious. I seen him dance in videos but in person its 10x better.

After that we headed out to Fluid Lounge where we danced our asses off and was my goodbye party for Martina because she is headed to Croatia for a month. I’m going to miss her.

Time for bed.

– Liza Mae

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About Liza Mae

I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.

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