Archive | July, 2004

Do you believe in fate?

Posted on 25 July 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Last night was one of my random nights. I just wanted to get away from my world and just drive. I had asked Martina if she wanted to go to Niagara Falls and she was all for it, but with time restrictions we decided it was best to stay in Toronto. So we head to the Jazz Festival in the beaches but just end up going to the beach and running to the water. It was a very romantic, relaxing atmosphere but Martina and I couldn’t be romantic so we did what we did best, laughed it off. After more driving and seeing the chaos of a Saturday night in downtown Toronto, Martina was exhausted from the night before and I dropped her home. The second I dropped her at her door I recieved a phone call from Gerron. He stated that he wanted to see me and that we would meet at Markham Station. We had one of those ‘get to know you’ conversations. We found out that we go to the same spot on Wednesdays.

Me: When was the last time you were there?
Him: Two weeks ago.
Me: I didn’t see you there. (Takes a closer look)
Him: I didn’t see you there
Me: (LOL)
Him: What?
Me: Do you know Char?
Him: Yes. (Looks at me like I know where I was going with this)

Flash Back >> Two Wednesdays ago we met. I was standing with his friend, Char, who is my brother, Ritchie’s friend. He approached us and looked me up and down, and introduced himself briefly but Char said to Gerron … No. She basically hinted to me to not go for him but with a joking tone. Before any conversation progressed, I was thinking that he looked pretty hot but since I was meeting my date, Mark that I should just leave it alone, and I did. I went back inside and ate my Pizza with Lawrence and waited for Mark to arrive.

After the realization that we met before, we laughed. He asked me if I believed in fate? Yes, I did. Maybe some strange force brought us together and thats the reason we crossed paths … again. We both did not remember two nights ago that we met two weeks ago but he had a familiar face. Two weeks ago I was thinking this guy has a nice upper body … and I did not know that two weeks later I would be laying my hands on it while we danced. His body is chiseled like stone and with every bump my hands got all heated and horny. LOL. He is a man that can dance but most importantly, he danced with me. It’s funny how the same night I also bumped into Mark (My date two weeks ago) and he was with another girl. It’s like Mark and Gerron switched places. Life works in mysterious ways.

Gerron and I ended up talking till 4am … and he opened up more than he wanted to and so did I. After realizing we had a mutual friend the conversation felt warmer. I do not know what to expect but I am going to let things flow and not rush anything. It is better that way because what exactly am I rushing into? Where do I want to go so badly? I am physically here now … so why do I try to displace my heart somewhere else? I am just going to enjoy this moment.

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Ultimate High

Posted on 24 July 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Yesterday I had a conversation with Lemar about my relationships I have/had and the conversation made me look at tomorrow totally different. I have been putting myself through stressful situations which I haven’t been paying attention to… my needs, my wants, and me. It seems that I always put the other person first and now I have to be selfish. I have to take what is handed to me but at the same time, give without hesitation … if the person truly deserves it. I do not deserve to be treated like shit because I am the shit. Not to sound conceited but … I am greatness. Dennis(confidant) has been telling me that the day we met, and he keeps telling me till this day. I am so used to seeing nearsighted that he shows me another perspective. It makes me feel uncomfortable but he is right … I need to have patience.

“I am constantly moving
as the world is moving with me
causing me to move faster
but as I begin to stand still
I am still moving but in unison
with the earth
making love at the same pace.”

It seems that I am constantly rushing into these relationships which needs time to build because they don’t grow by night. I realized this when I was on my way to pick up Tamla, and it has been the first time I smiled since I left New York. I smiled because I realized I was building a relationship with myself. I opened a door to things I did not see about myself. So we headed to this nice little spot called Chocolate Lounge, but before I parked Martina had warned me that Mark (Dating) was there with another girl. I wasn’t upset that he was with another girl, but that I had to be there to experience it. I know he is dating other girls and he knows I am dating other guys but I’d rather hear not see. So I ended up bumping into him but the girl wasn’t around. So I end up hanging out with girls and as I walk through the crowd I feel his hand brush mine and then he pulls me towards him and gives me a hug. It felt good but good like a friends hug. I think I would rather pursue this kind of relationship with him because he is a good guy. Even through our conflict the other night, I could not stay mad at him for so long because I know his intentions are good. It seems like he has so much going on that he isn’t telling me but whatever it is I forgive him for it.

“I constantly push and push till my limit has been broken.
I don’t know how much more I can take but it seems like I take too much.
But enough’s enough, no more giving up.”

Now that my Ryan O. baggage has been slightly lifted from my shoulders, I can begin to walk again. I thought that he confuses me but I just confuse things. I thought he has a hidden agenda that he keeps from me, but maybe I am the hidden agenda. The signs are evident that WE didn’t exist. We were never together. We were complete seperates, and the whole time I was thinking about WE … I should of been thinking of ME. That is my mistake. I give my all to someone who does not deserve it.

ASIDE: I bumped into Ryan from Ryerson and I don’t think I will ever stop ‘bumping’ into him … he will forever be in my life. Its like he gives me this reassurance that everything will be alright when it really comes down to it. Even though we don’t talk and aren’t friends … I am glad he is in this small portion of my life. For some strange reason he brings me hope. Thanks Ryan from Ryerson.

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Cleaning Out the Closet

Posted on 15 July 2004 by Liza Mae V.

I need to clean out my closet. There are clothes that sit there untouched for months, and even years. Every time I clean out my closet it seems like its so hard for me to let some things go because of the thought that I might wear it someday but I know that I won’t. I have some things that still have tags on them and things worn only once to try on but I never found the reason to wear them. I have to toss some jeans that don’t fit anymore because I grew. I attempted to try on my tight ass brazilian jeans and boy did I struggle. I gave up trying to fit in and accepted my new size. I am no longer a 1, I am now a 3. I started to notice my hips getting bigger since school ended.

Aside During school, I usually eat more than I would during anytime of the year. I have to settle for fast food because staying long and late hours at school, I don’t have time to have home cooking and pay attention to my habits.

Every time I clean out my closet, I also clean the one within me. I try to discard everything and everyone that hold me back because I am trying to move forward. I find that the people that don’t do anything but cause me stryfe, I question why find a reason to keep them in my life? Yes, they did bring you happiness at one point, but what does the past emotions have to do with what is going on now?

I try to live for the moment because whenever I think of the future with someone, I become disappointed. So instead of expecting anything from anyone, I should enjoy it for what it is because sometimes it just doesn’t work. I was at work and my friend Francine had stated that I should just keep dating, because it brings me more happiness than being in a relationship. I found that statement very true and disturbing. I thought about it the whole time I was at work.

I know I would rather be constant than constantly moving but the harder I try to stand still, everything else is moving. So in essence I too am moving because I am one with everything.

I look at the key players in my game of life and the roles they play. I know that one day they may not be around and I should acknowledge each and everyone of them. I am grateful for them because they are the reasons why I am still here. Thank you.

-Liza

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Continuation from previous post

Posted on 01 July 2004 by Liza Mae V.

So I’m back in NYC. The road trip was rather long & tiring but we(Geremy, Tricia, Pras, & I) made it. I’m not exactly sure what I’m going to do in the couple of days but I’m sure I will get away from the drama that I have made myself. Even though I haven’t closed the door to HIM(Ryan O.) completely, I am slowly fading in the distant. The things that once irked me, are now expected. My emotions are idle. My hearts gone cold … to him. I conditioned myself to not feel pain. For I am standing alone, and was always. The miscommunication and him not listening to my words as I spoke has made me silent. For my words have no meaning to him. For I have no meaning to him.

-Liza

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About Liza Mae

I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.

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