Archive | September, 2004

the 3 powerful words … i love you …

Posted on 20 September 2004 by Liza Mae V.

“I love you.”
“Why?”

He questioned it.
So I questioned it.
Why do I feel this way?  Am I just imagining it or deluding myself to believe that I am feeling this way?  I was second guessing myself for a second until I noticed that I am in tune with what I feel. I believe that he questions my emotions because he truly doesn’t know his own.  He’s broken by his past and he is trying to pick up the pieces seeing if it fits in this puzzle … or will it cut him?  He is the one truly confused but he is trying to search for understanding.  Once I noted that to him, he quickly realized his state.

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“I feel bad when you say that(I love you).”
“Don’t feel bad …”

I say what I mean … and I mean what I say.  That doesn’t mean that the feeling has to be reciprocated.  I want you to understand that I do not expect anything back because to truly give … you should not expect anything in return.  The worse thing is for one to say that they love me, just because they felt guilty.  Just because the feeling is not verbally expressed … actions speak enough.

He put himself in my shoes and determined how he would feel if he said those three words and it wasn’t reciprocated.  He would feel bad if he was me because he fears loving someone and them not loving him back.  I would say it is a common fear in people because it shows vulnerability and weakness.  It shows that you are prone to being hurt.

When love is involved we always try to look at the worse case, pain.  We live our lives trying to steer away from pain that we do not realize that we can not truly experience happiness without the pain. Also, when we try to steer away from pain … we are also steering away from happiness.  I do not fear being hurt … because what I fear more is not acquiring happiness.  Atleast I had this moment … atleast I can say I was happy.   Thank you for bringing out this feeling in me.

Love Liza

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Liza … Laughter … Love

Posted on 17 September 2004 by Liza Mae V.

Liza …

Everything is in place but I know that at any minute it can be taken away from me … so I am enjoying this moment … enjoying my happiness … not thinking too much  because that’s when I start to blow up these perfections within the imperfections.  I can not ask for more but I can’t expect less.  I can’t really describe this feeling … but you see it in my smile …  you see it in my speech … you see it in me.

…exits.

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Laugther … Do elderly get priority seats on subway?

I bumped into my friend, Rupa, on the platform at Kennedy Station (Subway) and we sat down.  I had  one side of my earphone on  and she was talking.  This old man looks at me with this ‘get the fuck out the seat’ look .. and then looks at the sign beside me.  It basically said, “You may have to get out of these seats for people in wheelchairs.”  Then he looks at me again.  I was like … so what?  It said for wheelchairs/handicapped persons … not elderly.  I didn’t get up.  Rupa was nagging me to get up.  So eventually I did.  I was annoyed.  I asked her why did she get up.  She said she felt bad and that she didn’t want to make a scene.  I thought … I don’t give a fuck.  He looked like he could stand.  I would of readily gave up the seat if he approached me sincerely but he was rude.  He didn’t even say, “Thank You!”  You could be old, pregnant, or handicapped … if you don’t respect me … what makes you think I am going to respect you?

…exits.

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Love … 09-13-04

Yesterday, we had a conversation in which we stated our fears, conflicts, and point of views.  I like the way we are.  I like that we can talk and not be afraid of the reaction.  I like that you listen … try to understand … then state what you think.  Communication is bringing our relationship together.  The bond so strong that one can not break the union unless communication is decreased.  I realize that if I don’t … it will be the downfall of our relationship.  So I should speak now or forever hold my peace.  I’m trying to have faith in people … faith in you … faith in love  … faith in fate.

…exits.

-Liza

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Summer in New York

Posted on 08 September 2004 by Liza Mae V.

I am back in school and I have to kill time because I come to find out that my first class is a lab and there are never labs in the first week of school.  Blar. I actually have motivation to be here but I feel like today was a waste of a day because I have one class which I am not even registered in because the section I wanted to get in is full, so I have to convince someone in that section to switch to another section.

Anyways, I am back from my trip from New York City/New Jersey.

THURSDAY >> My cousin and I arrived at JFK at noon where we would meet her boyfriend and he was supposed to take us to my cousin’s hotel but his misdirection lead us to Jone’s Beach, then to Yonkers, BX.  As every second passed with us being lost, I became irate.  Two hours of being lost to end up in a different destination then planned.  The final destination was at his work in Yonkers where my cousin and I would drop him off and go to Woodbury Commons to shop.  I could tell that my cousin was upset that he didn’t get us to the hotel but she acted like everything was okay.  I know I wasn’t okay with it.  I wanted to be in the city not in the Bronx.  The whole drive to Woodbury she was talking about  her relationship and I was annoyed because she is in ‘stand-still’ relationship. I just want to say to her that it isn’t going anywhere but everytime I try to give her my perspective on things, she thinks I am too young and naive to understand.  So I just sit and listen then get annoyed.

Luckily Lemar came and got me and took me away from my cousin who was getting on my nerves.  I went back to Teaneck, NJ and as Lemar pulled up in front of Prasand’s apartment, I had asked Lemar to come in with me but he refused.  I felt uncomfortable about the situation.  Call me spoiled but he didn’t even help me with my bags.  I was semi-upset.  I like to introduce my friends to friends and the fact that he didn’t want to I was skeptical about our relationship.   So I dragged my bags to the front door where Prasand would greet me with a hug.  I was happy and relieved to see him and everything that I felt prior just escaped me.  So I dropped my bags and I went to the Cafe with Lemar because I was starving.  After we went back to his place to watch some movies.  As my eyes started to get irritated and I was starting to fall asleep, I decided it was time to go back to Prasands apartment.  Lemar was falling asleep at this point and I had asked him to drive me back but he kept on saying ‘in 30 min’ every 30 minutes.  I was getting upset because I wanted to go.  Usually when I ask something from someone I don’t have to ask twice unless they didn’t hear me the first time but he heard me but he wasn’t listening.  I was just thinking of calling the taxi but I thought why should I do this?  He should bring me home.  So finally he dropped me.

Prasand and I watched Howard Sterns movie.  The last time we interacted he was in a very mellow, quiet, sad mood and it seemed like I couldn’t do anything about it because pain heals with time.   I don’t like to see my friends in pain and I wished I could take the pain away just for a second but this time around he was in a more uplifting playful mood.  It was nice seeing this part of Prasand shine through again.

FRIDAY >> I took the bus to the city all by my lonesome where I was expecting to see Bobby.  As I exited the subway station I would also meet and greet Tiffany and her friend Tiffany.  We talked briefly as we were walking down 6th Ave., then Bobby and I split from the Tiffanys.  We walked and talked about 60 blocks and arrived at South Street Seaport where we would buy expensive ice cream that melted quickly on my white pants.  Argh.  I realized that it was the first time that we hung out in NYC, prior to that we only hung out in Toronto.  It was nice seeing him because he always seems to put a smile on my face.  =)

I came back to NJ where Prasand and I would watch Bourne Supremacy at the local theatre.  I was so exhausted from the walk earlier in the day that I feel asleep half way through.  We walked back to the apartment where I would pass out soon after.

SATURDAY >> I woke up with the sun in my eyes and a hungry stomach.  So I called Lemar to have breakfast at IHOPS.  I heard good things about this place, so I had to try it.   I had a breakfast sampler which consisted of 2 of everything (eggs, canadian bacon, bacon, sausage, pancakes).  I cleaned my plate with pleasure.  It was great.

We decided to go to the beach in South Jersey and I ran in the water without a care while Lemar was afraid of the cold water and slowly dipped himself in.  It was cold for the first minute then the temperature was comfortable.  I think its better to deal with the pain of the cold faster then to take my time.  I’ve been bugging everyone to go to the beach and I finally got to.  It was relaxing.  I enjoy the sounds of the water hitting the shore, feel of the sand between my toes, smell of the breeze from the wave, sight of the sun glistening against my skin, and the taste of the salt on my lips from the water.  I love the beach.

At night, Lemar and friends brought me to a club called Copacabana.  It was spacious and expensive.  Usually clubs in Toronto are about $10 cover and drinks $5, but at this club it was $25 cover and $12 drinks, but since I was on vacation I decided it was okay to splurge.  I enjoyed it until the pain from my stilletos kicked in.  The pain we woman go through just to look good.  Blar.  Then we headed to Lemar’s friends place where we would eat and talk.  He conveyed to me that he thought I was annoying referring to the night of Thursday.  I automatically got defensive because I was offended by the comment.  At this point I wanted to leave.  I got to the apartment at 6am  and knocked out.

SUNDAY>> I was exhausted the whole day.  Nando would came and got me and we ate at a little spot called Green Bo’s Restaurant in China town.  He was a big guy and I felt like midget around him…lol.  All he could talk about is his girlfriend.  I guess that’s what happens when you fall in love with someone and spend most of your time with them.  All you know is them.

Overall it was great trip and I can’t wait to go back.

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About Liza Mae

I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.

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