Archive | May, 2006

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…shattered pieces…

Posted on 28 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

Yesterday after Natalie’s BBQ he sat in my car trying to figure me out.

Why was I so upset?
Why am I not happy?
Is it something that he did to cause me to be like this? Possibly.

I do not know why I struggled to tell him but I said somethings that bothered me. He tried to defend his position. Why do I have to fight him to make him listen? Why is always in defense? I am not trying to attack. I am just telling him what’s up.

In the middle of the conversation the phone rings. It was a female, crying for some attention at 1:40 a.m. begging for him to come over to give her some loving, but he tried to push her aside to one of his male friends but she wasn’t calling for another’s attention. She was calling for him to soothe her, to crush her guts in an attempt to slaughter all the tension she had in her life. So I reacted with such uncertainty. I rarely scream in anger but I did, I told him to get out of my car, twice. He looked at me in shock and he froze in disbelief. I never showed such emotions. He got up and walked to his car. I broke into a million pieces and felt my blood pressure rise. I lost my breath and my throat became heavy. My face was filled with tears that they were pouring from my hands to the car seat. Then the anxiet hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like I was losing myself, I felt like I was losing him, I felt like I lost faith.

Then his friend staggered to my car attempting to understand what happened but I could not speak because my tears were speaking for me. I was broken. G then came into my car and told me that the female calling was a friend that was confiding in him through her difficult times of marriage. That she was seeking for attention and that he would never cross me. He told me that things are not what they seem and he can not control what others say to him. He believed that I did not believe in his love for me. That I doubt him and this relationship. When all this time I thought believed in love, I was really a non-believer. When I thought he didn’t understand me, he knew me inside out. He told me things I have never heard roll out from his tongue. He opened up to me. I did not speak the whole time but I nodded. I was still recovering from my attack. He held me. I was no longer lost. I felt a sense of love that I never felt before.

Today is a brand new day — its time to make moves.

-Liza Mae V.

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… stress …

Posted on 23 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

So school is over and I am not supposed to be stressed out but I am. Whenever I get stressed the right side of my lower back begins to tighten and knot up then distributes upto my shoulder. I suddenly get an increased heart beat and I feel like I am going to burst. I hate this feeling.

What caused this senation?

Well I’ve been doing alot of thinking and not alot of doing when it comes to my job search and everyone is on me about making money, making money, and making money. My mother is pushing me to get a job and I feel like I am being rushed. I can’t sit here and appreciate my accomplishments in peace because I live with her. I am rather annoyed at the thought and the more she pushes, the more I rebel. I am tired of being treated like a child. This house is not my home.

Sometimes my motivation is lacking because I do not see a clear future. I am lost in my own space, I am reaching a point in my life where things are not certain and the road can take its turn for the best or the worst. I call it the “quarter-life” crisis. My goal was to graduate – DONE! Now what? I am supposed to get my career started right? I feel as though there is something in between that supposed to happen and I am just waiting for that day to come. I try to stand still but forces are pushing me to where I need to be — free.

Sounds like I need to go on vacation or something. That is my solution to everything but it is anti-productive since I just pause where I am in Toronto, then when the vacation ends, life plays again. I need to change my habits. I am an addict to new people and experiences.

-Liza Mae V.

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Posted on 23 May 2006 by Liza Mae V.

I know this is a delayed entry and my tan is now fading but I was inspired by Joseph to write something about my NCL experience.

Hated
1. The DJ in the one and ONLY club played the same set night after night.
2. You can only spend a few hours at a stop over not fully grasping the travelling experience (ex. meeting locals, trying new foods, etc.)
3. Motion sickness
4. Not much partying since its all couples or family.
5. Majority of Filipino workers, I felt like my cousins were serving me. lol.
6. Waiting in line for formal dinners.
7. Drinking water tasted funny.
8. Gaining weight from eating so much.
9. Alcohol wasn’t free.
10. The stir-fry line was 20 minutes long.

Loved
1. Food was available 24h/day.
2. The sunsets.
3. Being pampered.
4. Relaxing under the sun.
5. Sea Breeze.
6. Comedy Shows.
7. Chocolate Buffet.
8. Jacuzzi.
9. Smiling babies.
10. Getting Drunk.

-Liza Mae

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About Liza Mae

I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.

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