Archive | October, 2009

high hopes … hard fall

Posted on 30 October 2009 by Liza Mae V.

So I’ve been going through the past week with many emotions from peak to valley and unfortunately enough, I am at the valley, granted the only way is up.  I was hoping by the end of this post I would feel better.

Do you know how it feels for your dreams to be stepped on?  To feel as though someone close had given you support the whole time but when you truly needed it, they let their support go?

This is the first time that has happened in my life and it truly hurts.

I was raised in a family where support each other without judgment.  I mean of course they will judge but they still will support you because you are family.  Sometimes I am amazed how they stick by me but they always see the light, they always seem to have faith, and will always be there.

This is something that is very difficult for me to handle but like most things, I will make it through.  This is when I need someone’s shoulder to cry on but the shoulder is miles away.

I just feel that when someone says they are ‘trying’ to help you by giving you other methods to do something, and they can help you themselves, is just sad.  Imagine you ask someone close to you for $1,000 and they initially said yes and when you finally ask for it they tell you, “oh why don’t you ask this person, or why don’t you ask that person, or why don’t you work more, or sell drugs, etc.”  when they can lend you the money with no worries.  The person is not helping you, they are just making excuses for their inactions.  I’m honestly just saddened by the whole thing.

When I first started this post I was upset, but now I am just saddened by the lack of faith, trust, and love.  When there is true love, there is that leap of faith one would take for another.

I am heartbroken.

As time progresses my heart will begin to mend itself.  Though I have learned from this, I will never forget.

– Liza Mae

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i miss you …

Posted on 29 October 2009 by Liza Mae V.

I was browsing through the card aisle while I was waiting for my prescription to be filled and came across the ‘Thinking of You’ section.  This was the inspiration of my post.

I miss you …

(a thousand thoughts just fluttered my mind but I will try to be organized)

I miss you when I am alone in bed and remembering you close to me.
I miss you when I have funny stories to tell but you’d be the only one to understand my our humor.
I miss when you’d kiss my forehead when I would cry.
I miss your scent all over me.
I miss admiring how you eat every morsel, crumb, sauce, leaving the plate spotless.
I miss your daily voice of motivation.
I miss dialing your 10-digit number, instead I am left dialing 50-digits to talk. If I get one number wrong, I’d almost have to start over. (damn phone cards)
I miss the way you think.
I miss seeing the gap in between your teeth
I miss laughing daily together.
I miss you being in the same time zone. When I sleep you are awake and when I am awake you are asleep.
I miss seeing your face everyday.
I miss kissing those lips.
I miss touching the smoothness of your bald head.
I miss watching you shave that bald head every morning.
I miss laying my hand on your chest and head on your shoulder while we rest.
I miss our morning runs through the neighborhood.
I miss Friday night out.
I miss making Saturday morning breakfasts with peameal bacon, over-easy eggs, paratha bread or french toast.
I miss cooking for us … period. I don’t really cook that I am home. No motivation.
I miss the comfortable silence.
I miss the warmth.
I miss streaming moving nights.
I miss you doing my laundry on Sundays.
I miss staring in to those brown eyes.
I miss hearing about Mexico.
I miss sharing my secrets.
I miss your guiding light to see me through the day.
I miss you when I am driving alone at night.
I miss you when I am in bed.
I miss your crazy driving.
I miss hearing your contagious laughter.
I miss your good will heart towards people.
I miss seeing you when you get excited.

I know that everyday that passes, is another day closer to you but for now, all I can do is miss you.

Love,

Liza Mae
Listening to: Brandy – Long Distance

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emotional purge of thoughts … raw + unedited

Posted on 16 October 2009 by Liza Mae V.

So it has been a little over a month since my bf has left for China and I thought it would be easier than it is.  It isn’t quite what it seems in theory compared to in reality.  I realized that he brings me happiness in so many levels, emotional, physical, and spiritual.   He is emotionally and spiritually here but the physical heightens those feelings.   I used to look forward to seeing him after work each day, especially on Fridays.  Days are just mediocre and that is just not enough.  I want to smile when I wake up and just be delighted with life.  Unfortunately, I have gone astray and I’m back at my mundane state.  I am far from content because it feels a part of me is displaced, temporarily.   Anyways, time to read my daily horoscope:

Gemini Horoscope

Friday, Oct 16th, 2009 — Although your life seems to get busier now that Mars is in your 3rd House of Immediate Environment, you’ll probably float through the day without being overly concerned. You are a person on a mission today and very little can come between you and your goals, but your sense of balance may be a little off. For the best results continue on your current path with as little change as possible.

+++

I am quite the busy body these days.  Juggling a new house, my bf’s basement renovations, work, and LuxaVision.  I have not been consistent with my alone time and I need more of that.  I include my fitness time as alone time for I focus on only me.  I am going to do that after work today because I deserve it.

I need to focus on my goals and need not worry about the details.  I just need to become one with my chaos.

(takes a deep breathe)

– Liza Mae

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Retire the idea of the 9 to 5

Posted on 02 October 2009 by Liza Mae V.

As a child I looked upon my parents and thought, that is how my ideal life should be.  Every morning my parents would wake up and get my older brother, Ritchie and I ready for school.  They would get ready for work, then my brother and I would walk to school.  We usually get home before them and then they’d come home from work.  That was the life of working your 8 hour shift then coming home to the wife/husband and kids.  It was simple, straight forward, and ordinary.  That is what life supposed to be.

Now that I’ve grown in to my own person, I realize this structure just doesn’t resonate with who I am.  I have followed this path thus far and I am just not content nor am I happy.

My story is such, after high school, I went to university, got my degree, landed my ideal job.  It seems all fine and dandy right?  But it just doesn’t feel right and makes my stomach turn with doubt.  The first year of work was great because it was fresh and new.  Anything fresh and new is exciting but as a Gemini or specifically, Liza Mae, I tend to lose interest quite quickly. That is the reason I need to be with someone who is always on the go and can keep up with my constant need for excitement and spontaneity.  That is why J and I get along so well.  Back to my point, I just feel that this normal structured life was not designed for me.  I know there is more out there than the typical 9 to 5 lifestyle where you commit yourself to daily dread and suffering.  Lol, yes that was a little melodramatic but I think you get my point.

Besides the job, you get married, buy a house, produce 3 children.  If you are fortunate enough, you may take a couple of weeks vacation once a year to somewhere with sun and sand.  When you come back, you are wishing you were back on vacation because your stay was just a tease to the ideal lifestyle.

This is the life I do not want to live.  This is also known as the ‘rat race’.  I am living it day to day, it is not horrible, but it is not fabulous.

I want more. I want freedom to do what I truly want and live fabulously.  I see it in my future and with enough faith, WE will make it happen.

– Liza Mae

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About Liza Mae

I am a twenty-somethings female photographer in search of love, the meaning of life, and adventure. I am passionate about anything photography from the snap to the click.

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