Posted on 28 April 2008 by Liza Mae V.
i a m h e r e.
y
o
u
a
r
e
t h e r e .
Lost between the spaces of time …
going back and forth in my mind.
yet I should be living here. i am here.
STOP reliving the pain … i tell myself over and over.
STOP seeing the tears fall from your face …
the disappointment and sadness … in your eyes.
I can’t forget, but I can not go back to it …
I need to STOP feeling this guilt that I feel.
I am here.
. not there.
i am where i need to be …
- Liza Mae
Posted on 25 April 2008 by Liza Mae V.
Everytime I think of him my heart breaks all over again …
This time apart is a good one. It makes me see the situations from the outside in. It makes me forgot about all the anger I had inside and really just get down to the facts. Emotions get in the way of reality and makes us make poor choices. Positivity is what I need. For example, it is better to question, “Can I live with him?” rather than asking, “Can I live without him?” The second question is a selfish one because it brings out other negative feelings of, “I can’t be alone”, “Can I picture him with someone else?”, and it really doesn’t question the validity of the relationship. For the first question “Can I live with him”, it questions the relationship with the person, “Are WE really compatible?”
Hrmmm … that brings me to an even better question – “Can we live with each other?”
In the relationship, I can place the blame on him but really I have to take a really close look at myself and why I let these issues happen. Yes he has his insecurities but why did I let his insecurities change the way I am? I adjusted to him and in the end, I lost a part of me. I realize now that this isn’t healthy in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with adjusting to the person you are with but when you lose yourself in the process and have that built-up resentment … it definitely is not healthy. This was my mistake. I changed for the wrong reasons.
I didn’t realize this but people around me did. They saw the changes in me that they did not admire but they did not speak about till now. Maybe due to the fear that I would shun them out – but true friends tell you what you do not want to hear but need to hear it.
- Liza Mae V.
Posted on 22 April 2008 by Liza Mae V.
push
pull
push
pull
breath deeply
break free
be happy
be.
I am in a state of mind that is juggling thoughts back and forth and external forces are swaying me to make a choice between my emotions. I am … lost …. struggling … trying to find my way home. Once upon a time I was focused – now far from that. I am standing at a crossroads, which road to follow? There is no right or wrong – just stuck in this grey area. My thoughts put me in this demise, wishing I was care-free. So I was put into a situation where I had to make a choice – that is to really look deep down inside myself and ask the question, “What will bring me to this point of happiness?” I do not know the answer to that question because that is what I am searching for. I’m trying to find the answers to my misunderstandings. Once I find myself again, I will know what it is that Liza really needed. If it is with you or without you … I will not know till that time of enlightenment. Time heals wounds. Time is what I need. Time is what you need. For now …
I love.
I will.
I am.
- Liza Mae
Posted on 19 October 2005 by Liza Mae V.
Sunday & Monday night spent at school … installing useless
information in to my brain, only to find out that 5% of the information
was being of use. Plus, the fun doesn’t stop there, I have 2
midterms left and numerous assignments & projects due before exams
in December. The thoughts of what has to be accomplished seem
unfathomable but it will be done before I know it. I will conquer
all … in my realm or reality, of course.
Awww … he’s pulling the random acts that I always do.
He: I just called to say good night and I love you!
After he just spoke to me 10 minutes ago. How sweet.
*sigh* I know my last entry seemed so dreadful but it was just my
frustrations of minor arguments. He always thinks I’m trying to
start an argument but I just state what I dislike … blar. It is
just the miscommunication between us sometimes that the message gets
lost in translation. It is like I am speaking a foreign language.
-Liza Mae V.
“Life is not about how many breaths we take, but what takes our breath away” – Bobby B.
Posted on 15 October 2005 by Liza Mae V.
I hate that I love you so much that it makes me cry every time we argue. I feel like I’m fighting for myself to be with you because every time it seems I’m losing grips of you. It was hard enough for me to get a glimpse of your feelings towards me but now I have to dig a little deeper. Layer upon layer I find pieces of you that I did not see, yesterday. I wonder what I will come across next.
I shed enough tears to grow a tree that holds a bird’s nest. I want to forget these times of our relationship but instead I hold them closely. I want to run free of problems but it seems we strive off these moments. It is like we enjoy pain, throwing words of hate, while I masturbate to your coldness. I suddenly become numb because it’s like I masturbate often and its gotten to the point that I feel nothing. I just feel the tears shatter to the floor shaking my world to the core and I don’t know what is in store. I just want you to adore me, but that’s another story. To be told. Because what I am about to unfold is the story of how we should be … you and me. Free from all the minor commotions that are stirring up our peaceful ocean. I just want to relax and let go … open this world of love. Again. If not today, tomorrow is another. I will put aside our differences and pay attentions to our closeness for I’m tired of … the bitching and complaining. I just want to find home again.
-Liza Mae
Posted on 02 September 2005 by Liza Mae V.
So here I am in New Jersey and I am supposed to be having a very AWESOME vacation prior to school but I just came across a very BIG bump. Of course, it has to do with G. The one person I love to hear from, until now.
He called me while I was at Lemar’s. “I am currently on his computer.”
HIM: What are you doing?
HER: I am just watching a movie with Lemar.
HIM: Where are you staying?
HER: Prasands.
(Silence)
Then the bitching begins. I was wrong for not telling him where I was staying … but he was wrong for not asking prior to my trip. It is like he was scared of asking, and I was scared of saying due to my last trip to NYC. Yes, I should of told him, but if he was really concerned, he would of asked. The person you are with should be concerned about where you are going to be. He usually asks “Where am I staying”, “Who am I going with?” … but this time he didn’t ask the first. HOLD UP…I remember asking him, “Do you want the number where I am at?”…and he responded by saying, “I’ll call your cell.” and I remember feeling like … I guess he doesn’t want to know…denial can I say? WOW! I did intend to tell him before but before I could, he refused to know. That is very interesting. It is like he is setting me up to FAIL due to his past.
He says I was hiding and if I truly was, I would of lied, I would not offer the number at Prasand’s house. My intentions were not to hide but to be open. So I do not feel bad because this is what he wanted. He wanted me to be HER, the infamous ex. He can not bring me down with him. I am better than that, and I did not feel guilty for his wrongs. It seems I always put my self out there and he is the one with TRUST issues. If he doesn’t trust me now, how do I know he will ever trust me? And I can not let him take away my happiness which is partly, my friends, New York, and my sanity. I put my 100% in the relationship and he doesn’t appreciate it.
I only feel bad for myself because I let him make me feel like this, hurt.
I digress.
-Liza Mae
Posted on 29 August 2005 by Liza Mae V.
-Liza Mae
Posted on 27 July 2005 by Liza Mae V.
When I am with someone …
I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve.
I like to share my everything/everyone with them.
I shift most of my attention to that person.
I want to be with them 24/7.
But if a person isn’t built the same way and doesn’t appreciate all these things that you do for them … why do it?
Posted on 05 March 2004 by Liza Mae V.
I just came home from seeing Stefan #2. and I have finalized my decisions about this somewhat ‘relationship’ … if that’s what you call it. It’s funny how things work out. No words were needed to be exchanged … because all I did was listen and the answers to my ‘what if’s were answered. The animosity and fury that I wanted to scream out loud weren’t necessary because it wasn’t worth my breath and stress. It simple wasn’t worth it.
I’ve been screaming for so long but its like trying to get through to a deaf man, YOU JUST CAN’T. So I am left standing, listening to the echoes of my cries … replaying it in my mind … like a broken record … but I’ve muted them because I just didn’t want to hear it. But now that I do I have learned my lesson which consists of more than one thing.
Hrmmm … where do I begin. I don’t want to sound negative … so let me start with positives
1. Communication – I’ve learned how important it is to communicate … because not everyone can read your mind … and things that you think the other person should understands … think again. It’s surprising how often things were misconstrued in the message.
2. Reliability – Being able to rely on each other is important … because when you start to fall … the other should be right there to keep you standing. This also ties into trust. If you tell me something … I am going to believe you … so if I find that your actions don’t speak behind your words … then FUCK YOU.
3. Goals – What is it that you want from interacting with me? Knowing what you want is such a turn-on. Its ok not to know where it is going … but as long as you know where you want it to go … then its all good.
4. Ego & Pride – If you truly love someone … this does not exist in the relationship … its something that is put aside for this person. If you acquire this … it can cause problems, and what is all this ego worth? I think it just makes people jerks … and hold back from what they truly feel. Just let go …
5. Gift of Giving – I don’t believe in Give’n'take. I think if you give something to someone … you shouldn’t expect anything back for … if you do … then you are doing a selfish act … in that you are only giving to get back. If you are willing to give … give it your all … or its not worth it.
-Liza Mae
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