Posted on 27 February 2004 by Liza Mae V.
I haven’t written in so long because my thoughts have been scattered like pieces of a puzzle. I’m trying to put it all together but it just doesn’t seem to fit. It is like I’m trying to answer the same questions, over and over … but there is always a different solution. I am nearing the age of 21, and I begin to wonder where I am going to be in a year.
The uncertainty scares me, but what is it that I fear?
Its ironic that I fear is living … not death. Death does not bother me. It is a part of life that we have to accept. But not being accepted is what I can not accept.
I am on this journey which has no real destination, no real solutions, and no real truth. Because everything that I strive for is too much in fantasy that I begin to wonder …
Will this all happen?
Is this what I really want?
Can this be acquired?
The future is in the hands of time. Everything can change with in seconds. One’s life can be taken … in one direction … to the next. So are these daily stresses, all worth it? I guess so. We do this, day in and day out.
I look at all the relationships I have and wonder, if this person will be with me in a few years? Why is this person here? Right now? and wonder who I will bump into next?
I’m just so tired. Tired of starting new, where there is no expectations of what this person will be in my life. The whole cycle of getting to know someone … just tires me out … knowing it can end up … where I started, no where. He/she just appeared, and then disappeared.
I ask too much questions which can not be answered now because that is in the future. That’s what I fear … the fear of not knowing what or who comes next … but that’s life … my life.
-Liza
Posted on 14 January 2004 by Liza Mae V.
Another day has passed me by … without a guy by my side … and I am proud to say … how I learned a lot in my 2003 of solitude. It was tough at first … going through a 2 year relationship breakup … then falling in love with someone miles away … finding out the foundations weren’t enough to build a relationship … and sometimes distance gets in the way from where you want to be … so I learned to displace my feelings with the distance … to open myself up to others … and to let things occur without me interfering with the outcome. Sometimes I wanted to see things that weren’t there … because it made me feel better … but the short comings … made me see what was actually in front of me.
The way I handle things are quite different … and my mother has actually taught me some things which I took for granted. I am not chasing ‘men’ anymore … they are chasing me. I find that when I don’t force things … feelings … thoughts … everything falls into place. I was too busy building this man of mine … that it ended up with too much faults. So I got tired of running … and now … the man is coming to me … built perfectly … in a non-perfect way. It just puzzles me how … I put the wrong pieces together … because my eyes saw this image of a house on a hill with a picket fence … when in actuality … there was no house … or fence on a hill … but an empty beach … with white sand … built the way nature intended.
- Liza Mae
Posted on 20 December 2003 by Liza Mae V.
I went to Pearl Lounge last night expecting to chill and have fun but the way my day was going I had a feeling it would not end a good one.
I saw Club Guy with another girl that I am assuming that he’s seeing, for the body language exchanged between them told me blatantly what was going on. I was not mad at the fact that he is seeing someone else, I’m upset about him hiding it from me. I don’t like to waste my time with some guy I am dating when he is seeing someone else. That is totally disrespect on my side and hers, unless if she knew about me. Is it that hard to tell me the truth?
Would you rather me see with my own eyes what you were hiding because if so that’s so fucked up. You are too coward to talk to me that you have to do it impersonally? Shows how much our communication was lacking. I don’t even know your last name, but how much can you expect from a Club Guy? You can’t expect much. That is my problem, I can’t expect something from someone whom I don’t even know or whom doesn’t know me. Obviously, the fact that he hid it from me shows how much he knew or cared about me. The thing is, I don’t think he was even trying to hide it from me. He did it right in front of me, fully knowing that I was going to that club. The funny thing is, I knew what was going on with him – his actions changed quickly once we had a conversation about what we were to each other. The answer that I gave him sort of lead him astray which I understand because he’s a typical guy with sex on his mind, thinking that sex is the main focus of a relationship – I was not really down with that. I didn’t say I wouldn’t but him mentioning it to me just ruined his game on me.
Don’t talk about it be about it. There is no compromising sex … it just happens. Damn, I knew more about his game then he did. He might as well ‘Signal da plane’ at me, because the signs were too revealing.
1. I leave a message on his phone and he returns them a few hours to a few days later.
2. He says he’ll call me back the SAME day when he never does.
3. We only went out to a club.
So why does he even keep me around? Am I just on the 2nd’s list, if ONE does not pull through … he’ll call me. I shouldn’t even stay friends with him for he only provides me with Momentary happiness, which is a superficial relationship. Is it even worth my time to put him in his place? I don’t know … maybe when/if he calls I’ll know exactly what to say … for now I am happy to say that I went, because I was confused about things he did … and I questioned them. Now that I have answered those questions … I am happy.
- Liza Mae
Posted on 04 December 2003 by Liza Mae V.
It is interesting how you have impacted me in this brief period of my life …
I wonder how we crossed paths … and why I just didn’t keep going.
But now that we are face-to-face …
sharing this space …
I try to trace
the facets of your mental place …
which I am steadily walking through.
I am exploring what you have in store …
and some doors I just can’t get through …
because the barriers are far too deep …
too hard to unlock …
because you have this mental block …
that you are not aware of.
Your jaded secrecy is … slowly killing me.
I want to see all that I can …
Underneath this strong built man …
Holding his hand to freedom.
I want to look into your eyes …
and take off this disguise …
which was built from society
accepting the surreal being
I want to … please … appease …
your mind with my words … curves ..
Please take my hand …
For I want to show you …
Everything.
Liza Mae
